


And there go my hearts

by notveryhandy



Series: Farewell, at last [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Farewell Sarah Jane, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notveryhandy/pseuds/notveryhandy
Summary: Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor.That doesn't mean she's any better at dealing with it, though.
Relationships: The Doctor/Sarah Jane Smith
Series: Farewell, at last [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710883
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	And there go my hearts

**Author's Note:**

> A sequel, of sorts, to At the back of the room. And an apology.

"I saw you there."

No questions, just straight and to the point. It's accusatory, too, in all the worst ways. She doesn't want to talk about this now. Or ever, really.

She'd rather hide away in a big blue box for the rest of her lives, and let death and not sadness tear her hearts out. Or talk to anyone _other_ than Martha.

She wonders how well Sarah Jane knew Martha.

She wonders if it even matters.

* * *

She sees the future, but all humans will ever see is the past, and that's painful.

Then again, so is the future.

It occurs to her that she has never been at her best around Martha. There was always someone to grieve, that's the problem. Rose. Donna.

Sarah Jane.

And Martha looks at her with eyes that know that as well as she does, and she thinks, _You are a better Doctor than I could ever be._

And so are all the other doctors. Doctor Shaw, Doctor Holloway, Doctor Jones, the list goes on.

She owes everyone here an apology, probably.

* * *

"I'm sorry," she says, and even though it's an apology for Martha it turns into an apology for everyone.

There are people who have died, and she is not sure how she can apologise to Adric or to Jack or to Clara, the ones who lost their lives.

She knows Tegan and Nyssa are here. She knows Martha and Mickey are here. She knows Ashildr is here, lurking in the background to laugh at her mistakes. She cannot apologise, because they have seen deaths.

She looks Martha straight in the face, tells her she regrets everything, and bluffs through the entire conversation.

* * *

She hears whispers of the Doctor, and she knows hiding here, at the back, is cowardly. Oh, they've grown up so much braver than her. Sarah Jane would be ashamed.

Anyone with any sense would be ashamed. She knows that, and it's tearing her heart out staying in the shadows, but what if-

What if-

They didn't want her here? She's a different kind of mourner, she can run away any day.

They can't. What if they were bitter?

She knows deep down that they are not, because they are better than her.

* * *

This time, she tells the truth. Looks at Martha, and says, voice trembling-

"I fucked up."

And that doesn't even _begin_ to cover it, and she knows she's not a good enough person, knows Martha has all the right to be angry and kick and yell and scream, but Martha drags her in for a hug.

Martha, who would never be anything but kind.

She thinks it would be cruel to go to see Sarah Jane one last time, because Sarah Jane's friends and family are far more deserving of a visit, and goes anyway.

* * *

In the end, it is the empty house that breaks her, and she is reminded of just how much she hates endings. This place will grow old and pick up dust, and most likely no one will remember who the owner is.

She finds a note on the desk. It's familiar handwriting, and familiar words.

Unfortunately.

She picks it up and reads it, remembers her past self's last visit, and knows this is going to _hurt._

_Dear Doctor,_

_Obviously it's too late. You've come and gone already, and death is knocking at the door._

_If I know you, then you're reading this somewhere else that no one can see. And i just wanted to say, you don't need to._

_It's okay to cry. I've certainly cried, in my time. It's okay to feel hurt. So go see your friends, and enjoy yourself. Please don't burn this letter, no matter how tempting it might seem._

_There are people who care for you, never forget that. Myself included._

_Love,_

_Sarah Jane._

_P.S. There's a bag of jelly babies on the shelf. Just for old time's sake._

And indeed there is.

For the first time in the whole day - hell, for the first time in this regeneration-

The Doctor breaks down and finally, finally cries.


End file.
